Just a bad day

Today was a bad day.    It would have been my dad's 63rd birthday, but he passed away, but knowing it was his birthday just really depressed me.  I miss him everyday but birthdays and holidays are still really hard for me, even after four years.  Grief is strange, it can rear its ugly head at any minute. My brain sometimes still doesn't quite compute that he is gone, really.  Death of a parent is so life altering.  Reality shifts because you've never known as world your parent is not a part of and everything looks different.  It can be quite overwhelming, especially if you lose your parent suddenly like I did.  I never got to say good-bye.  One minute he was alive, the next he was dead.  That quick.  Life was and is completely different.

My son has two grandfathers who love him, John's dad and my step dad, but it makes me so sad that Gabriel won't know my father. He'll be someone talked about in stories and there are pictures, of course.  But he won't know him. My dad was a great father, so I know he would have been an awesome grandpa.   I can imagine how proud and devoted he would be to his grandchildren.

In other depressing news: John and I had a pretty big argument this afternoon. I won't go into details, but it was quite emotional and distressing in the moment.  The good news is that we got through it and are talking things out instead of yelling at each other.  I suppose all married couples have their moments though.  I am sure that we will have moments soon enough as we both quit smoking today and that can bring about grumpiness like nothing else.   That is another part of the previously mentioned reduced spending plan of ours. 


For the last several nights Gabriel  has not been sleeping well.  He's up half the night, wanting me, then wanting John, then just losing it.  Or wanting to get up and play.  Nights have been really rough around here.