The Beautiful Peace of Co-Sleeping

Since he turned one year old, every night around eight our son goes to sleep in his crib.  Sometimes he sleeps soundly until four or five a.m., sometimes he cries our for mama or daddy earlier, around eleven or twelve.  And then we bring him into our bed where he snuggles up to one of us, or both, and falls asleep. When we moved him from his co-sleeper where he slept next to our bed for the first year of his life, we made the conscious decision to allow him to return to our room whenever he needed to be with us.  Since he is still a little guy, he needs us quite a bit and so we are available to him with open arms and open hearts. 

Sure we could fight it.  Sure we could make him cry it out, but that is not why we are parents.  Our job as his parents is to create a safe, consistent, loving, and welcoming world in which to grow and mature in.  It is also to recognize when he is ready for more independence.  At sixteen months, he is simply not ready to be cut off from Mama and Daddy.  Yes, it means that we might have to give up some free time at night in order to reassure him of our presence, but we know that this time of baby and toddler hood is short, and that eventually he will be mature enough to sleep on his own.  There will be plenty of time for him to sleep in his own bed in the future and because we have built the foundation of security during his infancy and toddler years, he will sleep well in the big boy bed. 

There is peace in our house because we do not fight his need for us. I've been accused of raising a sissy by members of my family. I've been warned to stop or else he will never leave our bed.  I've had phone calls telling me to stop letting him into our bed: "What are you going to do when you have another baby? Share the bed?"

Yes, we will probably share our bed with our son as he will need extra reassurance if a new baby comes on to the scene;  he will sleep in between us, I imagine, as always.  The new baby will be in the co-sleeper. We will all be together and we will be a family. 

As for the charges that I am raising a mama's boy, a sissy etc.  I say this:  Who I am raising is Gabriel and I answer to his needs in the moment that he has them.  He is a strong willed, loving, delightfully happy, and smart little boy and I sincerely hope that he has all of these qualities as an adult.  I hope he is kind, I hope he is compassionate.  I hope he is a good father who puts his children first.  I hope he is peaceful and humble.  That is the man I am raising him to be.

A little evening update

I finished Gabriel's name garland the other day.  It is made out of burlap, letters from a secondhand crib bumper that I re-purposed, and some wide ribbon I thrifted for fifty cents.   It hangs in his bedroom window quite nicely, along with the birds I bought at Comfest in Columbus the summer I got pregnant.

I've been cutting out squares for the nine patch quilt in the evenings.  Lots and lots of squares!  On the right side of the photo there is the edge of the basket that is just going to be filled with squares.

 Today, Gabriel and Daddy folded laundry and it inspired them to play dress up:

I 

 Tonight, the baby is asleep, the diapers are in the wash, and I am looking forward to relaxing with my husband.

Just a bad day

Today was a bad day.    It would have been my dad's 63rd birthday, but he passed away, but knowing it was his birthday just really depressed me.  I miss him everyday but birthdays and holidays are still really hard for me, even after four years.  Grief is strange, it can rear its ugly head at any minute. My brain sometimes still doesn't quite compute that he is gone, really.  Death of a parent is so life altering.  Reality shifts because you've never known as world your parent is not a part of and everything looks different.  It can be quite overwhelming, especially if you lose your parent suddenly like I did.  I never got to say good-bye.  One minute he was alive, the next he was dead.  That quick.  Life was and is completely different.

My son has two grandfathers who love him, John's dad and my step dad, but it makes me so sad that Gabriel won't know my father. He'll be someone talked about in stories and there are pictures, of course.  But he won't know him. My dad was a great father, so I know he would have been an awesome grandpa.   I can imagine how proud and devoted he would be to his grandchildren.

In other depressing news: John and I had a pretty big argument this afternoon. I won't go into details, but it was quite emotional and distressing in the moment.  The good news is that we got through it and are talking things out instead of yelling at each other.  I suppose all married couples have their moments though.  I am sure that we will have moments soon enough as we both quit smoking today and that can bring about grumpiness like nothing else.   That is another part of the previously mentioned reduced spending plan of ours. 


For the last several nights Gabriel  has not been sleeping well.  He's up half the night, wanting me, then wanting John, then just losing it.  Or wanting to get up and play.  Nights have been really rough around here.

Saturday thrift

Today, John and I discussed ways to reduce our spending and save a little money.  We decided, once and for all, to re-commit to using cloth diapers, as we had for the first 9 months of Gabriel's life.  That alone will save us hundreds of dollars a year.  Of course, there are ecological advantages to using cloth, because they are reusable and won't sit in a landfill.  We were sort of set to do this over the winter, but ended up backing out.  But this time, I went and bought a diaper pail at the re-sale shop for ten bucks.  I folded up the diapers (We use Bum Genius) and put them in a nice big basket and everything is ready to go in the morning.

Another thing we are doing is reducing our cable package to basic.  I really thought that I wanted to have the whole cable package deal again, but after it was installed I felt and still feel overwhelmed by all the choices available.  Inevitably, I either turn on a local channel, PBS, or turn it off altogether.  We can borrow DVDs from our local library for free, and there is always Netflix downloads if we really want to use it. That is another huge chunk of change that stays in our pocket.

While I was at the re-sale shop I found two pair of adorable baby leggings for fall/winter.  One is a pull on style with brown and cream  stripes and a lion on the bottom, the others are navy leg warmers with grey polka dots.  They look so comfy and cozy and Gabriel is going to look adorable toddling around in them! 

We are going to sort through his clothes from last fall and hopefully sell some to the re-sale places for cash or credit.  Then we can use this towards purchasing some "new " stuff for fall/winter.  His grandparents bought him some pjs and a couple of adorable outfits, so we have a bit of a start, which is really helpful.

I also found a new chunky wooden knob puzzle for 3!  At PTO Thrift I got a perfect condition "Pat the Bunny" for 50 cents! My family got him a copy for Christmas last year that he kind of chewed up when he was little and teething, so I was happy to find such a good copy for so little.  I also got him a little tin that had pictures of butterflies and flowers and a big sun on it, to practice opening and closing.  30 cents for that "toy."

John made a delicious dinner tonight of roasted vegetables and pasta.  We ate bowls of it, and then to further the whole grain goodness of the night, we gorged ourselves on some good bread and butter.  Then we watched the remainder of "The Plan," which was sort of a companion piece to the Battlestar Galactica series.

Gabriel had a hard time falling asleep tonight.  He also crawled out of our bed when John fell asleep and came out to play, I think.  He was quite pleased with himself.  I went and layed down with them, until Gabriel fell asleep...finally....


Last night, I finished the name garland/banner I made for Gabriel's room.  I took a picture, which I will post soon, but cannot now because the camera batteries have died.  I'm pleased with how it turned out.  Tonight I started cutting out 4x4 squares of fabric for the nine patch quilt I'm going to do for his room.  I experimented with other design ideas, but since this is my first quilt and I'm doing it by hand, I opted for the most basic, simple, old school pattern: the beloved nine patch. Just like Laura Ingalls!

it's friday at last....

Had a too short visit with my friend and her daughters today.  She was the photographer for our wedding and brought the disk with our pictures.  I've seen a few already that she'd posted on Facebook, but I'm excited to see the whole thing.

Gabriel ate an apple after having a nice little conversation with it.  He said "hi!" to the apple and waved at it before biting into it. He is a polite and friendly little omnivore.  

This afternoon Gabriel and I  took the bus downtown.  The buses have stroller sections, but since it was already occupied when I got on the bus, I had to take down and carry the stroller while wrangling a sixteen month old onto a city bus.  (All the time I am terrified he will bolt into the street or something). 

When I saw that there was enough room for two strollers but the woman sitting there had positioned her kid's stroller cross ways, taking up all the space, I was pretty ticked.  The bus driver could have told her to share, but didn't.  It wasn't like the woman had a Bugabo or something.  It was an umbrella stroller. 

 So, I held Gabriel on my lap for the majority of the bus ride.  When the other mom got off about five minutes before the transit center, the bus driver told me to move into the stroller section.  Which meant I had to carry baby, stroller, and diaper bag on a moving bus, three rows back.  Then I had to hold baby and open the stroller.  It was awkward, but we managed!  It was a reminder that I should bring the Ergo with me for future bus trips, just in case.  I can easily pop him in and have my hands free to manage any necessary folding and unfolding.

After our adventure on the bus, we walked over to to Crazy Wisdom , and I bought this book: Wise Woman Herbal for the Child Bearing Year.   Part of the upcoming TTC plan that should be starting sometime in September.

Afterward, we walked from downtown to central campus to grab some dinner at the noodle place. Gabriel enjoyed his flatbread, scarfed down a bunch of my noodles, and chewed on some carrots.  After we went over to the Diag so he could run around.  He certainly likes to run far, and fast!  I tried to keep him on the grassy area, but he saw all the people walking on the sidewalk and he wanted to be just like them! 

I collected some beautiful oak and maple leaves from the ground for our nature table that I'm starting.  The maple already has tinges of red....Autumn is around the corner.

the last few days-picture posting

We went for a walk at one of our local park's nature trails yesterday.....

 

Gabriel and Daddy walking down the trail....

Gabriel is ready to go!

Mama helps him down the stairs at the old cabin site.

Gabriel had so much fun exploring!

I love this one.  Actually, I love them both.

I am eating yogurt all by myself!

Waving to his apple

Talking to the apple..."Hi!"

Hi Mama!

It is amazing to see how quickly my little one is growing up.  Last year at this time, he was just starting to eat a little bit of cereal, I think. He was just starting to scoot and roll over.   This week, he fed himself yogurt, ate an apple, and walked in the woods.

  The amount of changes a child experiences in the first three years is quite overwhelming when you think about it.  Yet, they take it all in stride as it is as it is supposed to be.

Babies become toddlers, Toddlers become pre-school children, and eventually they all go to Kindergarten (unless they home/unschool of course!)....But they are always learning and growing. 

Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he said we needed to have the heart of a child to enter the kingdom of God: To be open to life, to wonder, to learning about creation.

new home

I decided to take my blog off of tumblr because as easy as it was to use, it really didn't seem to offer much for people outside the tumblr community.  It was virtually impossible for anyone else to leave comments, I couldn't figure out where or how to install a blog roll.  I may keep my tumblr for some microblogging content later on, but the primary blog will be here.  I tried other sites and this seems to be the most user friendly, which is probably why so many people use it!

guilty party rambling

Some more ramblings on the concept of mommy guilt….
There is way too much pressure to be the perfect mother.  It starts during pregnancy when we are brainwashed into thinking that everything we eat, do, say, think, feel, and touch could potentially harm our unborn babies.  I’ve literally read things that tell pregnant moms that if they get upset they could cause their babies brain damage.  So you have to have the perfect, calm, and non eventful pregnancy. And get thin in six weeks post partum.

I was a nervous wreck.  I had preeclampsia and pretermcontractions.  I gained over 100 lbs and have only lost 40 since my son was born. 

Then we have to plan the perfect birth, which for a great many of us, does not happen.  If we ask for the epidural or end up in a C section, we somehow failed.  We did not measure up.

My labor was actively managed which meant that they took a perfectly normal progressing 36 week labor and dosed it up with pitocin, broke my waters, and shoved an internal fetal monitor inside me and into my baby’s scalp.  After four hours of pushing on my back, without an epidural because I was determined to go natural, I was exhausted by the camel back contractions and ended up in the OR.  So, I didn’t make the birthing cut. 

We try to breastfeed and can’t. Or don’t want to.  Or struggle. Or maybe that part goes great, but our baby wants to feed so much that we can’t sleep, so we aren’t at our best.  So maybe we start to resent the baby and feel guilty about that.  Or we give our babies formula because we have to, all the while hearing that nagging voice saying: “Breast is best, breast is best.”  We can’t give our babies “the perfect food.”

It was and is far better for my son to have an emotionally stable mama than to be nursing from the breasts of someone who wants to die. 

Eventually, we discover that we are expected to take baby to enrichment activities like Music Together, Kindermusik, Baby Yoga, Baby Swimming, Baby Tumbling.  We see all the other moms who seemingly have it together and think, “that is how I’m supposed to be…” but in reality, we are lucky if we showered. And we are afraid to have people over because our house hasn’t been dusted since the second trimester.

To be honest—I could write my name in the dust on the book case. 

We are inundated with theories about how to parent that read like litanies of right and wrong, do and don’t, yes and no.  Do we attachment parent, gently parent, nurture parent, parent with love and logic, slow parent….Do we schedule our kids into a million activities to give them an edge or do we let them be free range?  What is the best way?  What if you choose wrongly? It is scary and it is a major source of guilt.

My parenting philosophy has become: Pick the best approach for the individual child.  Some kids like to be worn in a sling all day.  Mine didn’t.  Some babies thrive at Kindermusik, others need less structure.  The best way to parent is to love and care for your child consistently, but realise you will never be perfect and it is ok to make mistakes. 

Our moms had Dr. Spock who told them, “Trust yourself.  You know more than you think you do” when it came to child rearing. They also seemed to enjoy parenting more than we do, I think.  Probably because they didn’t worry over every little thing.

One thing I noticed is that back in the day people called it childrearing. Now we say parenting.  It is like it really isn’t about the kids, it is about us. And that is kind of messed up. 

We get Dr. Sears. Dr Brazelton.  What to Expect.  Baby 411. Penelope Leach.  Miriam Stoppard.  All of them touting the dangers of something or another…Breastfeed or your baby won’t be a good learner.  Don’t co-sleep or your baby will suffocate.  Sushi will kill your fetus.  TV will dumb down your toddler.  Cry it out.  Co Sleep. Let the kids play.  But not until they’ve learned their ABCs.

Confession: My toddler drank formula, co-sleeps half the night, and watches tv. He also will sit and read his books on his own for several minutes at a time and has a great vocabulary for his age. He can build block towers 4 blocks high and he is sixteen months.  TV hasn’t ruined his brain.  I don’t think it helps but it doesnt’ really hurt to watch a little Caillou now and then. 

And then there is the whole solid food thing.  It used to be that when your baby was ready you made up some rice cereal and started introducing jars of Gerber. Nowadays you need the whole organic feeding system.  You’re making that stuff yourself because healthy organic homemade purees are so much better for your baby and if you don’t buy the equipment, consult the cookbook, and whip up delightful cubes of organic pears from the local farmers market you are somehow failing your precious baby.
When baby gets older, you can start making the delightful toddler dishes for the little one.

I made the home made baby food a few times but he actually seemed to get more pleasure from the store bought Earth’s Best than from my pureed organic squash.  So I gave in.  And saved myself some sanity.  As for the delightful toddler souffles I could make him….ha ha ha ha.

Mommy Guilt?

 

Holistic Moms Network: Mommy Guilt

 

A great article about how to be gentle with yourself and how destructive guilt can be to your emotional well being—except for the end:

And we should no more be dousing ourselves with guilt than we should be criticizing others who are trying to live their best possible life. As a holistic parent, it’s easy to get on your soapbox about everything from your non-toxic nursery and natural childbirth to living TV-free and avoiding junk food. But every person has a unique set of circumstances to manage and their choices may be optimal for them – at that moment in time. That does not mean we should be quiet. Raising awareness is essential to producing healthful change but doing so with positive intention and kindness goes further than with criticism. Help someone make a change for the better - don’t shout them down for failing to do so. Empower people and they will flourish. Shower them with guilt and they will wither.”

At first glance, it sounds really nice but after I re-read it a couple of times it seemed like what they were saying was:  stand on your soap box all you want, but speak nicely when you judge other mommies.
I personally think that the whole culture of mommy guilt we have going is partially based on the fear of how other mamas might judge us.  Guilt usually comes about because of a break committed against certain mores in society, whether it is society at large, or the society of your book club.

When I went to a mother-baby book club in my community,  all the other moms nursed.  The cold frozen stares of shock when I whipped out my bottle of formula….Obviously, I had violated some kind of social rule in their strict little society. My son had reflux at the time (common in preemies) and threw up all over me.  Not one other mama offered to help.  In fact, they kind of ignored me.  I went off to the bathroom to clean me and Gabriel up and spent the rest of the time in the mother’s lounge feeding him.

Not one mom came to check up on us.  This made me feel guilty because even though he was an infant at the time, it felt like my decision to bottle feed was costing him socially. Like I’d made this selfish decision that was already making him a baby outcast at our local indoor play space.

The real reason I stopped nursing was because I take pretty strong medication for my depression and anxiety.  I know you can nurse on zoloft and if it worked for me, I’d gladly take it.  It doesn’t.  I need something stronger and what I need hasn’t been proven safe with nursing.  Breast is best, except when it is full of chemicals.

That said…I know that nursing moms go through similar experiences when they have to feed their babies in public.  There are a lot of angry freaks out there who think it is okay to harass moms for feeding their infants with their breasts.  I can see how this might make nursing moms defensive about breastfeeding, because they’ve been publicly shamed by others for violating a stupid social more that says breasts are sexual and must be covered at all costs.

Anyhow, my support of breastfeeding moms’ rights doesn’t seem to go both ways.  Formula feeding moms

Publish Post

are looked down on as ignorant, selfish, or lazy. There doesn’t seem to be any interest in raising up moms who have no choice but to give their babies formula as fitting in with the holistic moms club.

deconstructing the alphabet: if derrida was crafty

I found a pottery barn crib bumper for four dollars at the thrift store.  It had the most adorable gingham alphabet and animals theme: A-Alligator, B-Bunny, etc. It totally matches Gabriel’s bedroom decor where gingham is a unifying theme. (I am not sure what else to call it when various pieces are made of the same type of fabric).
The bad news was that there were some serious stains on the thing that would not come out…some child must have had a field day with the permanent marker…None of the marks were on the animals, which was good.  I knew I could do something with the material and the pictures, especially.
So, I decided to deconstruct, and re-purpose the alphabet bumper.

I cut out some of the pictures and framed them. 
I cut out letters to spell “Gabe,” and am in the process of stitching them to burlap rectangles to make a little name garland.

Some of the other animals will go live on the nine patch quilt I am making for his bed, and maybe a  pillow.  The green gingham backing fabric will be utilized as well some how… 
Derrida said we are all translators and I suppose that this can be made manifest in handiwork and craft, as well as literature and philosophy. :)

it’s tuesday and it’s cloudy

which is how i am feeling on the inside today-kind of downcast and cloudy.  My focus is good and my mood is pretty even, which is good, even if it is kind of on the more meloncholy side.  Things were going along swimmingly until I met with the mama/baby therapist this morning. She is very good, but sometimes she wants me to analyze so much of everything that it kind of takes the shine off.
For example: we were talking about my tendency to allow Gabriel the freedom to explore his environment without taking over the experience for him.   She asked how it was with my parents:  Did they give me the same kind of freedom?  I said that my mom was a bit controlling, always telling everyone they are doing it wrong, and taking over.  I said her reactions caused me to a great deal of fear of getting something wrong, of failing, of messing up.   This is not something that I want to pass down to Gabriel.
I also read in Waldorf and Montessori texts that the parent/caregiver/teacher should give the child a safe and interesting environment to explore, and then step back and observe, allow the child the opportunity to invite you into their space.

sunday evening coming down…

After haircut, with bagel

 Before the haircut

sunday evening coming down…

today:  gabriel got his first haircut!   it makes him look so much like my dad (who died in 2006). but it also brings out the part of him that takes after my husband’s side of the family.  it also makes him look like such a little boy.  i love it! his hair was getting kinda long and i was kinda getting sick of explaining that my son was actually a very pretty little boy.

i spent some time organizing and simplifying his bedroom/play area.  we live in a very small apartment compared to our last one where we had a whole corner of the living room dedicated to his amusement.  (now, he has the uverse box to amuse him, much to my annoyance, in the new living room.)  all his toys are now in his room, which is a little bigger than before, but not that much.
everything i’ve been reading on montessori and waldorf in the home talks about the need for prepared environment with out a lot of clutter.  we can’t really afford to buy some of the more beautiful examples of child sized furniture or decorate our nursery as beautifully as some people do on apartment therapy.  however, with some ingenuity, some thrift stores, and the help of ikea my kid now has a lovely inviting room to play in.

Gabriel had way too many toys at once.  He was so busy weeding through them that he never really could play with them because the abundance was so distracting. 
I boxed up a bunch of the more babyish toys as well as some of the myriad of small toys that magically start to appear once your kid turns one.  I also put up the duplicate toys, as well as some puzzles which can be rotated out on a regular basis.

What was left:  a box of duplo legos, a basket of blocks, a toy clock, a puzzle, a wooden shape sorter, and a box of smaller toys including some play silks, some wooden figures, and smaller wooden cubes.   These I put on and under the play tables.

He doesn’t have a child sized book case but that doesn’t seem to be much of a hinderance to him at his height.  I thought about rotating books but it didn’t seem fair when he looks at about 20 a day and goes through serious book phases. “Sam Loves Kisses” is a recurrent favorite; ” Whose Toes are Those?”  “Things That Go,” and Charlie Harper’s ABCs book were a weekend favorite. Who knows what the morning will bring.  So I just put some of the current rotation toys on the shelves along with his books.

Much of the art work in our nursery was purchased at children’s consignment shops or was put together by me. I do collages and collect vintage children’s illustrations.  I had some lovely bright colored ones from the 50’s that I framed in Ikea frames that cost less than $3 a piece.  I also used some Ikea bird christmas ornaments as decoration.

why is it called co-sleeping if mama ends up on the sofa?

between the cat, the kid, and the guy…there is no room for mama on the bed tonight….they are all spread out across the mattress sleeping soundly and daddy is snoring away.
tonight i sauteed some fresh broccoli, summer squash, zucchini, carrots, and peas (frozen peas) with some garlic, basil, and rosemary.  tomorrow night i plan to make some zucchini bread.
started cutting out squares of the gingham check for gabriel’s blanket, found out i had a very large piece of yellow check that i’d completely forgotten about.  cut it in half and it is perfect for the backing.  even better was the price tag that never was removed: $3 at the thrift store.
so, the material has basically cost me under $5. (minus the bolt of flannel that i use for batting)

saturday

lazy saturday baby

thrift

Basket: fifty cents
Bag of gingham check fabric in various colors: dollar
Thrift store crafting ideas: make a bird mobile and use the larger pieces with some flannel i have around to make a winter blanket for Gabriel’s room.

ann arbor pto thrift shop
 

this is one of my favorite thrift stores in the area. it is where i buy a lot of fabric…they have a whole crafting section full of fabric, crafting supplies, and sewing supplies.  they also have a really nice book section, too.

Wedding Photo

john and i got married at the end of june.  this is one of my favorite photos from the wedding—-us and our sticky, overtired little toddler keeping us grounded in spite of our fancy duds.

waiting…

i used to be a very impatient person who would totally freak out if someone didn’t call or show up when they said they would.  oddly enough—if you were under the age of 10, i had all the patience in the world; it was just those in the age of reason that i held to unreasonable standards of perfection.
once i had a baby, it was as if the patience gene was switched on.  except for my husband with whom i can be quite, and sometimes, unfairly demanding.  but for everyone else, everywhere else something changed in me.  i stopped caring if you called me back, or called at all.
not that i stopped caring about others.  i think of former friends i haven’t seen in ten years on a daily basis.  it is just that that kernel of obsessive worry over perceived rejections (if you don’t call at ten like you say, it must mean i’m not important to you), that kernel, has died.  it was replaced by the giant mommy seed. the one full of patience and understanding.
my friend was supposed to stop by last night and drop something off but never showed.  a couple of years ago, i would have been hurt and angry over the situation. last night, i told my husband that i figured that with all she had on her plate right now, i was cutting her some slack.  sometimes things fall by the wayside when you’re in the middle of a stressful situation.
so, i will wait.  it is good practice to become a more patient person.

let’s see how long he will nap now that i am writing

let’s see how long he will nap now that i am writing

today: library day!  got a book on pregnancy over 35 since we start ttc next month.
and that was one sentence cause he just woke up.  damn.

before bed

mommy was on the verge of a meltdown by the time daddy got home to relieve her. went for drive and listened to some ani and some brandi carlisle.  came home refreshed and did a little genealogy while john cleaned up the house a bit. then we watched battlestar galactica.  neither of us saw it the first time it aired so it is all new to us…we are on the final season and i seriously am going to miss it when it is over.
aside from my toddler induced stress out, i think the new meds are working great.  my mood is way more even and i am feeling more focused and like myself.  doing some creative things again…trying out waldorf style doll making.  cooking more too.  made a summer squash and turkey skillet with basil and garlic for dinner tonight.
tomorrow: library, park, and farmer’s market. at least one of those.
now: bed.

afternoon thoughts

It is three o’clock and Gabriel is finally napping.  The broken window in our bedroom has finally been replaced.  It is peaceful and quiet, and while the day is beautiful outside I am glad to be indoors with a few moments of afternoon nothingness to occupy me before the little guy wakes up.
I’ve been reading a wonderful book called You are Your Child’s First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy.  She writes from a Waldorf perspective so there is a lot of information about exposing children to art, music, and literature. What I’ve been finding the most helpful for me as the mother of a one year old, is what she says about parenting and the issues that many face.  Unlike some parenting books, which try to guilt you into following there particular method, Dancy talks about things like why parenting takes so much of our energy when on paper a lot of the day to day stuff doesn’t look like that much work.  What she said made a lot of sense but I never thought about it before:  our lives and our spiritual sides are so closely bound up with our children’s and that connection requires a great deal of energy from us, twice as much as we used before we had children.
What I really appreciated was Dancy’s grounded advice to basically keep grounded, to focus on self care and inner work and growth as a person and a parent. Some parenting experts will simply tell an overwhelmed mom to “take some time for yourself” and “go get a haircut.”  Haircuts are nice but 45 minutes in the salon is not going to restore you.  Dancy gets more to the heart of the matter recommending something more akin to restoration than to a little shoe shopping might be.  New shoes are really only a band-aid. Prayer and meditation can change your life.
There is a lot about Waldorf that I really like: the arts, the nature, the festivals, the emphasis on literature and storytelling.  But at the same time I am drawn to Montessori for the opposite reasons:  I love how Montessori emphasizes practical life skills, the concrete before the abstract, the tangible and the real.  One thing I am thinking about is how to use the best of both for teaching Gabriel as he gets older.  Even if he goes to pre-school I want there to be Montessori and Waldorf elements in the home.  I want him to know that poetry is as valuable to humanity as engineering is would be my overarching educational goal.
He is fussing now and I need to figure out what the rest of the day will hold.  Kind of need to get working on establishing a rhythm of the day.

mama thoughts and musings in the middle of the night.

mama thoughts and musings in the middle of the night.

On Sunday, we went to John’s parents to spend the night so he could help his brother and sister in law move into their new apartment today.  They just moved back from Virginia after two long years away from home.
  We had dinner last night and hung out watching tv before everyone went to sleep.  It was very nice to all be together and I’m glad for the opportunity to get to know my sister in law and brother in law as they moved South literally the day after I met them two years ago.  We’ve seen each other on Skype (on which I always feel awkward) or for holiday visits, but that is not the same as living 45 min away.
 Today I had a doctor’s appointment and am grateful to my MIL for taking the baby today so I could focus on the visit with my doc and get some down time.
Sleep has been a struggle for me as of late.  Insomnia, panic attacks, bad dreams…sleep has not been very restful at all.  Then my energy is sapped during the day and I’ve been really unfocused, too.  Not fun when you have to take care of a baby and you feel like just picking him up is going to consume enormous amounts of energy.   When I am not feeling restless and unable to concentrate on a task, I feel like a weight is bearing down upon me and I am walking through a murky forest on a humid day.
Thankfully, the doctor’s visit was helpful.  We decided to start a new anti depressant and see how that goes.  The one I am currently on is incompatible with pregnancy and since we are going to start TTC next month, we decided to just change it now.  We also made some changes in my other medication which helps me sleep.  I am feeling optimistic, or at least trying to be that this will be a good combination for me.
I am reading a great book about which I was going to blog about tonight, but will save for Tues or Weds.

Something about me...

 My name is Sara Savel.  I’m a wife, a mother, a lifelong learner, a woman with major depression disorder, and an introvert who wants to make connections with others.  I love doing creative things like writing poetry, making collages, and hand sewing.  I am afraid of my sewing machine. I love thrift stores and am blessed to live in a community with so many of them. Reading is a particular joy of mine and book buying a compulsive addiction.

My family consists of myself, my husband, John, and our one year old son, Gabriel.  John works for a credit union, and I stay at home with Gabriel.  What this means is that we are a family of three living on 25K gross in an affluent college town. One thing I would like to blog about is how to do this—what does voluntary simplicity look like in a home with a child?  Living on less than the average area homeowner is a choice to live simply that we’ve made for our son’s sake.  He may not have designer clothes or a fancy nursery, but he has a parent with him all the time.

I also just want a space to write down my thoughts on the day to day living of my life, the raising of our child, the journey we are on as a family, as husband and wife. My goal is to write something three times a week. At least one post creativity related.

One thing I can promise is to be real.  I am not going to show pictures of my perfect looking house, perfect looking children, and a perfect looking mom.  I won’t pretend life is ethereally beautiful or to be grateful when I am not.  I won’t pretend everything is running smoothly around here if it is not.  This is my life and it is kind of uneven at times.