The Struggle to Fit In

http://www.josweb.co.uk/blog

It is hard to feel a sense of belonging when you are a Jesus loving liberal who co slept with her formula fed baby.

I know all the words to "Living in Clip" by Ani Difranco. I also really love some good praise and worship music.

I love big Duggar like Christian families and the kinds with two Mommies.

I will lovingly sing to my child and then swear like a sailor when I am driving on the highway.

I believe in peace. I love a good hockey fight.

I admire women whose blogs are filled with sweet moments and lists of gratitude.  But sometimes I just want to be like:  Seriously....at the end of the day, don't you ever just want to pour yourself a drink and blast the Clash really loud?

I want the real, the authentic, and the sublime.  The pretty and the imperfect.  The shabby and the chic.

Insomnia, Anxiety, and the search for a natural solution

It's a little past five in the morning and I am still up. My sleep schedule is so out of whack right now. It has been for weeks.  And weeks. 

It started with horrible panic attacks at night while I was lying in bed.  Ever since childhood I've endured intermittent periods where my fear of death completely overtakes me. It isn't as if I fear my imminent death. It is more about fear of the unknown.  What will happen when I die?  My fear is that my soul is not existent and at death I will cease to be, simply a robot who was switched off. That my faith in God is a delusion.  This triggers feelings of absolute terror and dread that are nearly impossible to cope with.

It only happens when I lie down in bed for the most part.  So I get up and hang out on the couch watching stuff like Teen Mom and House Hunters International.  But even though I am now distracted, I do not get tired.

I recently stopped a medication that helped a bit with sleep issues. It had way too many risks and side effects. Plus, we are TTC.

So..this week I started taking chamomile tea, Ionic Fizz (calcium and magnesium) DHA, in addition to pre-natals.  I took some melatonin but it made me terribly nauseous though it did make me sleepy. The bottle also said it wasn't for TTC or pregnacy...which I don't get because it is a natural substance made by the body but oh well...

I am happy to report that I am feeling much calmer and content at night. But I am still not sleeping at night. I try..but mostly I just end up staying awake.  If my husband has a late morning, I sometimes can sleep in the AM...but mostly I am struggling to make through the day with a toddler while being exhausted.  I generally get a couple to three hours when we nap in the afternoon. So basically, my days and nights are mixed up. 

Baby Love

I want another baby.


I mean, I really, really want another baby. So does my husband.

We've been kind of trying for a few months, but not really trying.  Mostly because we were dealing with some issues, then we had the month of sickness, and we've got the kid who is transitioning from co-sleeping to crib sleeping.  And there was the mystery of the missing period.


I was late.  Really Late.  And I am never late.  Except that one time in 2008 when I got pregnant.  That's how regular I am.  Even when I had horrible heavy periods they always arrived on time, around the beginning of the month.

It was the beginning of January and my period hadn't been heard of since November 26.  Christmas and New Year's had come and gone.  Three POAS tests had come up negative. But those things can be wrong.  It only takes a couple episodes of  "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" to learn that.

So, I scheduled an appointment with my OB.  I got an exam and a bunch of blood tests.  She said that the month of sickness in December might have thrown my cycles out of wack. But I'd been sick before and that had never happened.  So, even though I knew it was unlikely given some important facts like hardly any recent lovin' because we were sick, we were tired, we have a toddler, we were watching the Daily Show.....Part of me was really hoping to be pregnant.

Really hoping. 

And then I got the phone call from the nurse.  "Your pregnancy test was negative and all your other blood work came back normal."

My missing period stayed missing though.  Up until the 14th of January.  I guess Aunt Flo took a vacation to Miami or something, got her dates mixed up.  I don't know. In any case I was thrilled to know that I was not in premature menopause and when to time that conception thing.


In the meantime, I am in the midst of full blown baby longing.  Getting wistful looking at pictures from when Gabriel was just born, 3 months, 9 months.  Glancing at the pregnancy and birth books at Borders.  Walking by the layette aisle at Target...just to see what the latest Dwell Studio design is...Pricing slings....Thinking about a second set of cloth diapers...wondering what my chances of a VBAC really are. Smiling at the moms with their tiny babies snuggled in the Mobys.   I'm beyond excited that my brother/sister in law are having a baby this summer.  Even if I can't get pregnant again at least I can go shopping for someone who is!

And as much as I would love a little girl named Beatrice, Edith, or Henrietta* to dress up in vintage sweaters and pink leggings, I am totally okay if number two is a boy.  More than okay.  A little Issac or Ezra tagging along after Gabriel..I can see it. I can totally see it.

So, let the real trying begin. In earnest.  God Willing.









*Yes, Henrietta.

Home Searching

Thanks to the generosity of my parents we will be moving into a house this summer. They are going to purchase the house and we will be their tenants, paying a very affordable rent each month.    It is a major blessing, an amazing gift and I am so excited. We couldn't afford a house otherwise.

This weekend we started looking at houses.  For a real home for this little family.


We looked at a house in one of the historic neighborhoods in Ypsilanti.  I used to rent an apartment above a law office housed in an old Victorian in this neighborhood.  Tree lined streets. Old houses with lots of charm and character.  A library, a park, a downtown in walking distance.

The first house was a big blue two story one street and one block over from my old apartment.  Large rooms with wood trimmed windows and wood floors. A big kitchen with room for a table, a dining room, two front rooms.  There are 3 bedrooms--two upstairs, one downstairs.  A big bathroom with a clawfoot tub.  And the yard....the yard is endless. So much possibility.

I loved the warmth of this first house...the sunny windows with the solid wood trim, the hardwood floors, the front porch.  The solid oak doors and the wooden steps.  I can envision Waldorf inspired play spaces, homeschooling, gardens, kids running through the house and out into the big backyard.

The second house was very different   A brick bungalow in Normal Park.  Lots of light, simple and fresh. Cove ceilings, plaster walls, hardwood floors.  Two bedrooms downstairs, upstairs master. Dining room off the kitchen, a fireplace in the living room. Sunny kitchen.  Ceramic tile in the bathroom.  Partially finished basement.

It was very similar to a childhood home of John's and my grandfather's house.  We were smitten.  I could see us here too.  Hanging stocking on the mantle on Christmas Eve, crafting at the dining room table, gardening while Gabriel plays outside in the yard.

It's a sweet simple place really.

We just began our search. I am not sure where we will end up...it may  be one of these houses, it may be one we've yet to see. 

Regardless of where we end up,  I love imagining us in a home. 

I am not the best at keeping up with all the blogs I like to read.  It got especially hard in December when we were all sick and the holidays etc.  But Gabriel spent the night at his grandparents last night and John is snoring away still so I had some time to catch up on things.

And then I found out what happened in December to Dana at Roscommon Acres. A dresser fell on her little toddler Mattias and he died from the injuries. A heavy solid dresser. The kind people think won't tip over.

I never met this woman or her little boy but still, I can't stop crying for her, for her husband, for her other children. For that hollowed out, stripped bare feeling of loss they are going through.  For their grief.  Lord, be with them.  What else can you pray?  There are no easy words or answers to the question Why? 

Lord, carry them.

A mama lost her baby. It doesn't matter that she has five other children.  Each child is precious whether it is an only child, the third, or the nineteenth. 

It used to just floor me in college when history and women's studies professors would say things like, "People had lots of babies back then to farm the land, plus they knew they'd probably lose half of them to disease so they didn't start bonding with their children until the twentieth century when modern medicine came around."

 
I've been to cemeteries from the eighteenth and  nineteenth century filled with the graves of children.  Our Lost Lamb.  Precious Angel.  Blessed Child.   I never saw a baby's grave that said Our Lost Future Farm Hand.

  Once you have a baby you know.  You know that love is primal.  It is ingrained. It is in our bones, our marrow, our flesh, our souls.  It is not some twentieth century social construct created by the capitalist consumer society to oppress women.  Mother love is visceral and it transcends all constructs.

It transcends death.

The Story of My Chicken, My Anger, and My Insomnia: A Lesson in Home Cooking

So...on Monday night I made a roast chicken.  This is a big thing for me, as I spent the majority of my single years on a diet of Lean Cuisine and sushi....The only time I ever cooked anything with any kind of meat  in it was on the rare occasion I made chicken soup with matzo balls.   I could boil down a chicken to make stock but the idea of anything else made me nervous about food poisoning.  Plus, it seemed kind of expensive.



Around here we typically eat a lot of bread,  pasta, cheese, vegetables....and the meat I get is usually pre-cooked pre-packaged stuff like turkey meatballs and chicken sausage. Or veg meat substitutes.



But I decided to get over my fear of cooking meat.  Or in this case, poultry.  I recently read somewhere (Radical Homemakers, I think)  that the cost of an organic free range chicken is worth it if you know how to make more than one meal from the bird. Like if you make a five lb bird, you aren't likely going to eat all the meat...so you save some chicken for other meals, boil the carcass to make stock, use the stock in other meals.  So, even though it sounds expensive to buy a $17 free range organic roasting chicken...that one chicken can ideally make a few meals for your family.


I went to HomeGoods and bought a good roaster and a meat thermometer. It has the USDA recommended temperatures on it...which made me feel so much more confident about the whole cooking meat process.
I consulted my Nourishing Traditions Cookbook, as well as my mother's expertise. Then I kind of combined those two recipes.


Monday:  After removing the giblets (what are they for exactly?) I gave it a bath and thanked it for being a chicken that would feed our family.  Then I slathered it in some butter, some herbs, and roasted it along with some onions and some garlic. Basted it on occasion. The smell of roasting chicken on a January afternoon is so comforting, I found. So homelike.

It turned out beautifully.  So tender and so flavorful.  Delicious.  Served it with some baked potato and carrots.  The only problem was that I'd never carved a chicken before so it was kind of a hack job...but who cares...it may not be perfect looking but it was tasty, right?

After the meal, I saved the good pieces of meat, the carcass, and the drippings. Au jus?  Whatever it is called. My plan was to make stock, make chicken noodle soup, freeze some. I was also going to freeze stock for future soups.  Most of the meat would go to the CNS, there was some for Gabe's dinner Tuesday night, and some for lunch.

Tuesday:  I took the carcass, put it in a pot with water and started it boiling.  Then I turned it down, added the reserved au jus, some parsnips, carrots, shallots, garlic, grated ginger, a few herbs, sea salt, and cracked black pepper and let it cook down for hours.

It was like Little Shetl on the the Prairie around here.  Nothing says old world Bubbe like the smell of chicken stock on the stove.  I was totally craving matzo balls....but a snowstorm prevented me from getting matzo meal.

The stock turned out beautifully.  I was feeling so proud and confident.  But at the same time...it was at the end of a rather challenging day emotionally and physically.  I am struggling with insomnia and mood swings lately, as well as some womanly issues. Not to mention anger. I am struggling with anger.   I hadn't slept for two days.  And I was alone all day with a toddler.  Plus, I'd reogranized the kitchen and cleaned out the area under where the sink leaked (fixed now) and ruined the contact paper.

I started making the soup...put in the noodles, the chicken, new parsnips, new carrots... Boiling away....It started off so well...at one point I tested it and the noodles were almost done. The carrots were just about to be tender. 

By the time my husband came home I was kind of on edge.  Okay, that is an understatement  Seriously..I was Wifezilla.  He thought I was taking on too much at once on no sleep...and I was screaming how I wanted to accomplish some goals for once in my life...how important it was that I make soup out of chicken carcass and be a radical homemaker with by reclaiming domestic skills...and if he didn't like it he didn't have to eat.  There was more. ...mean and ugly.  My husband left the room after I screamed that I hated him.

(By the way, Gabriel was asleep in bed when all this was going on....I thank God for that.  Thank You Lord for my peacefully sleeping baby who didn' t have to witness the ugliness his mother could spew).

So, after John left the room I sat down on my laptop here to go on facebook or something.  And I seriously got distracted.  John came out of the room, we started talking, and resolving our fight.  And then I looked up at the stove because there was a burning smell.

All. the. broth. was. gone.

Absorbed into the noodles.  And the bottom of the soup pot was burned.  I burst into tears. Big heaving sobs. My beautiful chicken.  My beautiful stock.  My miserable soup.

I felt like a failure who was incapable of accomplishing anything worthwhile in life.  One thing I have always struggled with is big plans and no follow through.  Usually due to fears of imperfection.  So, it was very important for me to finish and succeed at something so simple as roasting a chicken and making some chicken soup.  Depression and other mood issues have made life so hard and difficult.  I've watched so many people move on with their lives while I have stood still, for years.  I want to grow as a person, I want to change. I want to move on and accomplish some goals.

After crying about this for fifteen minutes, I took a much needed shower.  That simple exercise helped wash away the tears, as well as the dirt. I tried some of my broth absorbed noodles....they were kind of tasty actually, with the mashed carrots and parsnips and chicken.  Comforting and nourishing, in a way. So, in the end I got a couple of extra meals...of chicken stock pasta!  This made me feel better, too.  A bunch of food didn't go to waste after all.  Though next time I am going to use a timer and maybe follow a recipe for chicken soup exactly as it reads!

Another thing that made me feel better about making mistakes was this post by Grace at Blue Cloud Cloth. 

So...what I learned from this is that I am going to make mistakes....and that it is okay...I don't have to be perfect.  I also learned that I can roast a chicken, and make a great stock.  And next time I will watch the cooking soup on the stove instead of fighting with my husband.

Some things to remember

• the soft sigh Gabriel breathes out as he falls asleep next to me during nap time.
• how he grabs our hands and says, "Come, walk...walk" when he wants you to follow him somewhere
• the way he dances: by stomping his feet and then turning in a circle a few times.  
• and how he wants me to join in with him in the dancing, usually when I am trying to do something around the house! :) 
• how he lays down on the floor with some paper and crayons, busily "coloring" like a little kid.
• how he cannot speak in sentences yet, but can say and usually correctly identify a circle, a star, a moon, an octagon, and the letter B.
• how he puts the cat to bed by covering her with a blanket and saying, "Night Night Kitty" several times in a row.
• how he loves to play with his new farm toy and his new little wooden kitchen.  

The Holidays and Ordinary Time. And lots of Books. Wonderful books.

Today is Epiphany and the end of the Christmas season.  I am ready for the simplicity of Ordinary Time, for the plain and the peaceful.  The time to celebrate is over and it is time for regular everyday living.  Rhythm has been quite a challenge to maintain lately.  Hopefully, Ordinary Time will help restore us to normality.


One of resolutions is to try and be more proactive about creating time for my blogging as it is something very meaningful to me.  It may not be Soule Mama but it's mine and I love it.

Winter Clothes

So...December was quite a month.  There were the Holidays and there were the Illnesses.  Most of the month at least one of us was sick....and the majority of the time it was Mama.  First, we had colds.  Then we had a gastro thing that really put a cramp in our Holiday.  Then I got another upper respitory thing.  I got a flu shot yesterday and it made me feel awful!  But I know it will help in the long run.

I had plans for Solstice but other than making a sun and hanging it up we didn't really do much for that either. 

Gabriel is pointing and saying, "Sun! Sun!"

Christmas at our home was a pretty simple affair this year.  Decorations were done at the last minute and when we got our tree out of the closet we discovered important parts were missing.  So, John went out and got a little table top tree.  It was a bit disappointing to him as he prefers a big tree and ideally would love for us to have real trees.  But a little tree is better than none at all. 

The Little Last Minute Christmas Tree

Illness prevented us from visiting St. Nicholas this year, but on Christmas Eve we made sure to leave him some treats. Lebkuchen, egg nog, and some candy canes.

Our gifts were simple but so wonderful and so appreciated.    John gave me a Waldorf book that I've been wanting, Heaven on Earth, by Sharifa Oppenheimer. He also gave me a pair of earrings...delicate squares with little birds on them.  I gave him a hoodie, some boxers, some socks.

Gabriel received a dump truck, a wooden stacking train, and a sled from Mama and Daddy.  St. Nicholas put two wooden cars and a wooden recorder in his stocking.

Christmas Day afternoon we went to my in laws. Gabriel got this amazing wooden rocking chair and a farm set from his grandparents. (You can see it on the chair in the photo).  We also took the official holiday family photo.  And celebrated the joyous news of a new arrival in the summer.  My SIL is in her second trimester! So thrilled!

Happy Christmas!  I'm on the left with Gabriel.

The table all ready for Christmas Dinner. Photo credit to my BIL Kevin

Such a pretty tree

Gabriel enjoying the evening

On Tuesday the 28th we went to my parents for the re-scheduled Christmas Eve dinner. My mom made ham, turkey, macaroni and cheese, candied yams, and green bean casserole.  So good!  It was nice to visit with them.  They gave Gabriel this wonderful wooden kitchen from Nova Naturals. 

I did some thrifting after the holidays.  Found two minature playstand style Waldorf-y shelving units for under twenty dollars!   I put one next to the little wooden kitchen.  I also found some teak bowls, great baskets, and some wonderful linens.  And a washboard. 

Secondhand Waldorf.  Love the pattern on the cloth!

A perfect basket for keeping the pots and pans.  Another gift from Grandma and Grandpa Simon

A nice litttle play space.  

On New Year's Eve.....Mama and Daddy got some time to themselves!  My in laws graciously offered to watch Gabriel all night so we could go out for New Year's Eve.  We had our annual New Year's Eve Dinner at an Italian restuarant with my in laws, then Gabriel went home with Grandma and Grandpa, while Mama and Dad went home to get ready to go out.

We took a cab downtown...it was only five bucks a person thanks to this wonderful program called Holiday Ride.  We walked around a bit, then grabbed a late night snack at this new Cuban joint.  Had a chorizo frita and a lime ginger drink.  Oh my God.  So delicious and so affordable.  It is my new favorite place. If I were single I would marry it.  It's owned by Eve Aronoff who competed on Top Chef.  She has a restaurant in town called Eve that is supposed to be terrific but it is a bit out of range for us.  So I am glad she started this new venture.

After enjoying the delicious tastes of Cuba, we walked down the street to Arbor Brewing Company.  They were bringing out a special brewing selection every hour. I only had two and a half beers on NYE and it totally was enough for me.  John enjoyed trying the different selections and loved their hard cider.

Getting some rare time to ourselves.

I've been reading some great books lately.  The aforementioned Heaven on Earth is so inspiring and I love the grace of  Sharifa Oppenheimer's writing style.  All of her suggestions for Waldorf inspired parenting are very do-able and definitely affordable.  Some of us might not be able to afford the cost of a Waldorf education at a private Steiner school, but we can certainly make our home a peaceful sanctuary of rhythm, beauty, and creativity.  Rebecca at Bending Birches has a wonderful blog post about how to do exactly that. So many wonderful ideas!

There is a wonderful bookstore/tea room downtown, just down the road bit from us...It is called Crazy Wisdom.  They are first and foremost a supplier of books on spirituality and religion, but also carry books about ecology, sustainable living, cooking, crafts, fiction, natural healing, fiction, psychology, women's issues, sexuality, pregnancy, birth, parenting, and a lovely little children's book corner with lots of Waldorf children's books.

It turns out...and I never knew it....they have a Waldorf/Steiner section in the spirituality area.  It is a little selection but very good.  I must have missed it a million times.  I tend to not want to bother sales people and try to find things myself...My husband found it!

I used my Christmas gift card money to get a couple of titles I've been wanting in addition to Heaven on Earth.  I picked up Homemaking as a Social Art by Vernonika Van Duin.  It is so rich!  So much to read, ponder, and unpack.

I also got Well, I Wonder: Childhood in the Modern World by Sally Schweitzer.  She writes in a very British style so it is pretty charming and from what I've read so far....packed with such good things to think about.

Another find was The Children's Year full of craft projects!


My little Waldorf bookshelf is growing and growing.  Even though I am totally not in agreement with many of Steiner's Anthroposophic teachings (like reincarnation) I find so much that is worthwhile in reading these books.  I recently came across a Catholic web page that said that since Steiner believed in reincarnation and some other occult things to avoid Waldorf completely.  Even anything associated with Waldorf like painting wet on wet watercolors and beeswax crayons was considered tainted.  It seemed to be an over reaction. Like if you paint a wash, you will stop believing in Jesus. Ummm....no. I am capable of reading Waldorf books and discerning what parts will work for us, and which are contrary to our faith. 

It had been on my eye and in my mind for some time and thanks to the help of the Border's card I received from my SIL at Christmas I finally bought Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon.  Even though I am a big believer in pastuerized milk and will never, ever eat raw meat...there is a lot in this cookbook that does make sense.  Healthy nourishing meals of whole foods.  Traditional means of preparation.  Avoiding refined sugars, factory processed grains, and factory farm meats.  Like I said before you can take what you need and leave the rest.

I can't write anything here