A few weeks since...

It's been a few weeks since I've been able to post here.  Our computer went on the fritz unfortunately, but thanks to the generosity of my in-laws who lent us their old one until we can get ours fixed, we are back online.  I've missed being able to document the various details of our life.

September has been both a month of delights and dealing with my depression.  Some of the days this past month have been kind of bleak, to be honest.  One of the negative messages that I struggle with when I am in the midst of a depressive episode is:  You Aren't Doing Enough.   Which is often followed by the message: You Will Fail.  There are a lot of things I would like to learn to do, but my perfectionist tendencies make me afraid to try, for fear of failure.  So, I start to ruminate on that cycle and instead of action--I withdraw from working on things that could give me a sense of accomplishment, were I only brave enough to try them.  It is something that I desperately want to overcome in my life because I think it has held me back from being the person that I want to be.  Or rather from being my true self.

Like I said, September has been a good month in many ways, too.   We planned to do an overnight camping trip with my in-laws, but the weather wasn't too cooperative for sleeping in a tent with a toddler.  However, since the state park is not that far from our house, we were able to drive over and spend some time during the afternoon and early evening with the family. 



Gabriel playing with the bolo balls.



a grove of birch trees



an early sign of autumn



taking a walk with his uncle and a pinwheel

i love the smell of pine



the lake



Last week, I took Gabriel and my little sister to the Children's Garden at our local botanical gardens.  It was our first visit there and I was extremely impressed.  It is an absolute wonderland!  There is so much to see and do...this is only a taste of what we saw and experienced. 

Gabriel loved the little picnic tables!

Clapping in delight to the bells.

A giant box of dirt with buckets and shovels!

He loves climbing on benches!

One of the many garden beds

a fuzzy little friend



This exhibit is called "Stone Soup"  Gabriel had so much fun playing with the rocks and the pots and lids.



Windchimes

Inside the straw house

You can pick up a piece of slate and scribble with some chalk.

A lovely view

This was just awesome

Mama's fairy house

Gabriel making a house for the fairies.

Pumpkins!

Auntie Allison

Some of the vegetables growing in the garden

Hanging Gourd!

Gabriel trying out the just right sized chairs in the little log cabin.

Looking up inside the log cabin

Auntie Allison and Gabriel checking out the log cabin.

 I've done a little thrifting the past week or so.  Some of the treasures I found: a print of a medieval woman, a print of three birds in a gold painted frame, a fair isle sweater for Gabriel, some lovely baskets, and this hat:





Real Mama Moments

I've been debating about posting today.  The last few days have been quite difficult around our home. Gabriel has been sick--fever, a couple of vomiting episodes, a case of the runs.   He's starting to feel better and is finally fever free as of bedtime tonight. 

When you read mainstream parenting magazines, or even alternative ones like Mothering the images of parent and child are so perfect, so beautiful, and so clean.  Real motherhood and fatherhood isn't like that.  Parenthood is dirty and gritty and sometimes it smells pretty nasty.  Whether your kids is making mud pies in the garden, blowing out his diaper, or smearing his hair with a spoonful of yogurt--cleaning up their messes is a daily, sometimes hourly, part of the job. 

What is amazing about being a parent is that you don't really mind it too much.  Sure, vomit and messy diapers aren't exactly the most pleasant thing to smell, but when your baby is sick all you really think about is how to make them feel better. 

On Friday afternoon, Gabriel and I took a nap.  He wasn't feeling well and so I thought he'd like to snuggle up with Mama.  We'd been at the pediatric ER late the night before so we definitely needed the extra sleep.  After a couple of hours Gabriel woke up fussing and the next thing I knew he'd thrown up all over himself, me, and the bed.

I cleaned him up, comforted him, and washed the bed linens before I realized that I was still sitting in a vomit soaked shirt!  Not exactly the model of motherhood photographed in magazines, but it was a real Mama moment. 

So, our house is a mess, Mama and Daddy are exhausted, but thankfully our baby is doing better, God willing he continues that way.

simplicity in play

One of the many child rearing principles that my husband and I share is a belief in open ended toys that inspire imagination and creativity.  We decided early on to critically limit the amount of electronic toys Gabriel has access to--with a few exceptions for gifts from family members--knowing that we wanted more for our son than to make something beep with the touch of a button.  We want Gabriel to grow, explore the world, and to learn without being overburdened and overstimulated by an electronic jangle of noise.

So, the toys he has are very simple but open ended and inspiring--a basket of toddler legos,  a couple of baskets of different style blocks, a wooden push cart, chunky wooden puzzle, and a basket of "treasures."  His basket of treasures holds a wooden spoon, a solid wood embroidery hoop, a small ceramic bowl, some play silks, a jar of fabric scraps, and a colorful tin with butterflies on it. 

Today, Gabriel played with another "treasure" he found around the house--a market bag.  I always use a canvas market bag to carry our library books back and forth.  And in perfect imitation of Mama he took a bag and filled it with bunch of of his books and carried them into the living room to read.

Being his mama, of course, I was enthralled and amazed at his endeavor.  His action was so purposeful and complete. I love that he loves books, and that he found pleasure in a simple object--just a market bag, but it provided more than any electronic toy could ever give him: the opportunity to use his motor skills, a task to carry out, and the success of accomplishment.  He did it all by himself!

Then as it goes in most toddler's lives, there is a time to be a big boy, and a time to cleave to Mama.  We had a doctor's appointment today for a weight check.  All was well with him physically, but he was overwhelmed by the scale and needed me right then and there--half dressed and still very much a little one--climbing up into the crook of my neck to snuggle. We finally got him weighed, he had a flu shot (just cried for a minute and it was done), and a nice visit with our pediatrician. He got a sticker and a copy of "Owl Babies," which made for a very happy
little boy at the end of the visit. 

This evening, before I left for the library, he brought me some books to read on the sofa. My little reading guy....

Learning to Live With Less

I have always been a person who likes to aquire things-especially secondhand items. I love collecting vintage embroidered linens, finding books for less than a dollar that would normally cost 15 in the bookstores, beautiful pieces of china.  My last apartment, before I met and moved in with John, was straight up shabby chic.  Lace curtains, vintage fabric pillows, thrifted figurines.  Not to mention the oodles and oodles of books that filled my home.  Some housed in my father's antique barrister bookcase, but many just piled up around the place.  Or the piles of clothes I'd found for just a few dollars here or a few dollars there.  If it was cute, cheap, and fit me I would grab it.  It almost felt compulsive at times.

After I got pregnant I stopped buying so much for myself.  But I was still finding wonderful things for my son: adorable clothes, adorable toys, adorable books, adorable things to decorate his space. It is hard to resist, especially when you find something precious for a secondhand price.  A couple of months before we moved out of our last home, I found some wonderful wooden animal blocks by Hearth Song for six dollars.  It was hard to resist and I didn't. 

It wasn't like I was a hoarder or anything that extreme.  But as much as I loved the "find," after awhile it would just become stuff, clutter I had to deal with.  On top of that, it doesn't make a lot of sense to display antique vases when you have a toddler.  Either they are going to be put up too high to really enjoy and collect dust. (And who has time to dust antique vases when you are chasing after a toddler?) Or they are going to be broken by the ever curious toddler.

I found myself resenting all my "stuff."

And so, before we moved into our current and much smaller home, I began going through and donating my things.  I thought it would be a little hard, but mostly I felt relief to be letting go of the clutter.  Only the very special things were saved.  Like my 19th century Blue Willow tea pot that my mother gave me.  It's up high above the cupboards, but I can see it from where I am writing.

I no longer have a shabby chic style home.  Things are much more simple now--instead of a ton of vases and figurines, the top of the barrister bookcase is home to a radio, an old family picture, an heirloom bowl, and a single figurine.  The curio cabinet is no longer full of curios.  The kitchen table is simple, too.  With a single cloth and a nature display.

  I also went through Gabriel's toys and extensively pared them down.  He's much happier with less.  His play is much more purposeful now. Though he certainly can strew about the toys that he has.  But I suppose that is just the nature of being a one year old.

I still go to thrift stores, but now with a greater sense of purpose.  When I needed a basket to hold the cloth wipes, I got a basket.  When I needed fabric for doll making (an endeavor I am beginning to undertake with some difficulty), I found some jersey knit at the PTO thrift. The same for when we needed a diaper pail.  Though I did find it hard to resist the baby legwarmers. But fall is coming and they will be useful.

Overall, I am finding how much I love the clarity that is present in my space. Today, I moved the coffee table out of our little living room.  It seemed to be such an impediment.  Gabriel was constantly climbing on it, it made everything feel really closed in.  Now the space is open. I can breathe.

In the interest of full disclosure--this is what it looked like before Gabriel went to bed.

labor day and thoughts on Waldorf

Haven't written here in a few days.  Labor Day weekend has been kind of difficult for me--missing my dad, struggling with a bout of depression that I hope is merely temporary and not the onset of a major episode.  At the moment I am feeling better and more positive.  One thing that helped was getting out of the house and spending the evening with a friend.  Keeping in the Labor Day spirit, we talked about our birth stories while sitting outside on her patio after her daughters went to bed.  Getting connected with another person is so helpful when depression/grief/sadness would rather isolate you.


 On Sunday, the three of us, John, Gabriel and I went to a family picnic.  Again, it was helpful to be around other people, although I always feel quiet in group settings.  Being outside was helpful too.  The weather was windy and cool at the lake, although the water was warm.  Gabriel loved wading in the lake.  The potato salad was delicious.

  I've been doing a lot of reading, both in book and online form, on the Waldorf method of raising and educating children. There is a lot about it that appeals to me: a rhythmic, cyclical connection to time and nature through its celebrations of daily life and seasonal festivals; the emphasis on creating and protecting a peaceful childhood;  the value placed on traditional crafts and literature; the importance placed on home and family life as the desired cultural center; and the advocacy for parents and teachers to be doing inner work and self development.  I also really appreciate how Waldorf seeks to protect very young children from over stimulation that comes from the onslaught of media images; not to mention the onslaught of beeping electronic "educational" toys.

   At the same time, I am really struggling with Steiner and his philosophy of anthroposophy.  What I have tried to read is extremely esoteric and sometimes run contrary to what I believe in my own personal faith life.  For example, as a Christian I do not believe that Jesus is merely the harmonizing force between the earthly  and the spiritual, although I do believe he is both God and Man. To me, He  is more tangible than just a cosmic ideal. He is flesh and bone.   Esoteric writing always leaves me wanting more, something earthy to grab onto.  So, I think I will thank Herr Steiner for the wonderful ideas that I feel comfortable implementing in our life as a family and leave what I don't find compatible behind.

 One Waldorf concept that I am trying to implement is the concept of the daily rhythm.  I think it is so important for babies and young children to have a sense of their world by knowing what to expect from their day.  Gabriel has a general routine, but I want to enhance his sense of being connected to something larger.  I love the Waldorf traditions of verses and songs to mark various points along the day, the week, the seasons.

I found the most wonderful blog called The Parenting Passageway . The author, Carrie,  really does a great job of unpacking Waldorf concepts for the lay person.  She also gives an incredible amount of advice on how to go about implementing Waldorf in your life, especially for newcomers. Reading her blog really helps me to understand what Waldorf is and what it looks like in daily life.

Great Photographer in the Ann Arbor Area

Melissa LaRue is an amazing photographer in the Ann Arbor area and she just started a new blog for her business, Melissa LaRue Photography .   She photographed our wedding and we couldn't be happier for it.

Thursday: Some sad, some pretty, some peace

These last few days were difficult. Struggling with a depressive episode lurking just beneath the surface of my skin. Feeling aimless and unfocused one minute, on the verge of tears the next, and always tired and apathetic.
I am working hard to act opposite to emotion, to write even though I would rather stare blankly at the television. To craft, to journal even though my arms are resistant. To hold Gabriel when he needs to snuggle with mama, even though I want to crawl under the covers and be alone. To be gentle with myself, and to find or create moments of prettiness amidst the chaos created by my toddler.

my grandmother's bowl and my little bird feeding lady sit on top of my late father's bookcase.

the beginnings of a late summer nature table

Frustrated about something, I went out to the market to buy apples, bread, cheese, and yogurt. When I left the house was in post-Gabriel chaos, which wasn't helping my mood.  When I came home John had cleaned the kitchen and was sweeping the living room floor when I came home. Peace! Calm! Order!  Restoration!

in the evening.

On my floor:

a baby washcloth
moments of mindfulness cards
a book about mindful parenting
the remote control for the dvd player
a montessori supply catalog
a pair of spanx grabbed from the laundry

in bed: a little baby in his pajamas, sound asleep after a busy day.

just a moment...

This morning Gabriel laid down at my feet on the rug and "snuggled" with mama for a few minutes as I washed the dishes.  It was a simple, peaceful, and beautiful moment of daily life at home with a child.