Once again I turn back to this blog after a great deal of time away. October was a busy, stressful month. Worries about finances dominated a lot of my thoughts. Compared to many people I know, we do not have a lot of money. We are a family of three living on 25k and that is
before taxes. My husband has been trying like hell to find a better paying job, but almost a year of job searching has not born fruit in this area. He's not looking for some crazy dream job--something that pays 35K a year would be awesome for us.
We're starting to discuss the possibility of having to move out of state, or to another part of the state, if nothing turns up when our lease expires next year. I've lived out of state twice, back in the 90's, for brief times. It was sometimes really cool, but I got terribly homesick both times. It was also before I had a family of my own.
When you are single--living out of state is an adventure of sorts. When you have a little one--you realise how important it is to be near family, to nourish those connections and for your child to develop relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles. My brother in law and his wife just moved back home from living down South and I love that Gabriel is finally able to develop a real relationship with them...Skype is nice but it doesn't compare to being able to spend
real time with family.
Last night, on Halloween, Gabriel was able to see all four of his uncles and one of his aunts. It was great to see him interacting with everyone and everyone interacting with him. It is something that I really want him (and any other children we might have) to experience: Growing up around family.
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| Gabriel with my brother, Andrew |
But unfortunately, our family lives in Michigan...a beautiful state that has fallen on hard economic times. I am praying that my husband can find a better paying job here though....but I am also trying to prepare myself for the possibility of having to pull up roots sometime in the future.
That said...I was talking to my husband the other night as we were about to go to bed. Compared to a majority of people in the world...
We are quite wealthy. We live in a two bedroom apartment with running water, electricity, and heat. Not to mention major appliances. We have secondhand furniture but it is all well constructed and sturdy. We have comfortable beds with nice linens and blankets. Our child has books, toys, and clothes to wear. We may not be able to afford to shop at Whole Foods, but our cupboards hold healthy food. We have books to read, a computer connected to the internet, and a television. We also have a car. Not only that, but we live in a community with mass transit and plenty of green spaces.
Yet, it is a struggle because we do live in a kind of affluent community. The kind of community where people drive Volvos and Saabs, spend 100 bucks on sensible Dansko clogs, and pay 14K a year to put their kids in Waldorf schools. Granted, I have to admit that I would love these things, but I am not willing to put my kid in day care to attain them. But I still want them.
I just wish that I did not want them. Once I saw a pair of Dansko clogs at the Salvation Army and was so excited...but I could not cram my wide post partum foot into them. I was crestfallen.
When you are poor and have good taste--you have to rely on the charity of people with a good sense of style and class who happen to wear the same size as you.
Years ago, I was friends with this guy, Paul. We once talked about how we would always pass up acrylic sweaters at the thrift shops...searching for wool or cashmere. We were totally snobby about shopping at
Value World. Paul is now a monk who probably doesn't even own the friar's robes he wears, but I still want nice things.
I just want to find them second hand for less than five dollars. But I try to remember that I
do have shoes...they may be three years old, and were bought second hand (so maybe older?), but they are in decent shape. I
have a car...it is seven years old and small, but it drives from A. to B. And I can totally
do Waldorf inspired homeschooling...if that is the path we choose for Gabriel...for way less that 14k.
As you can see I am really struggling with issues of
materialism. I
want some disposable income so I can shop at Etsy like a madwoman and go to the independent local shoe store in town. I
want some extra money to buy a Waldorf playstand for my son. I
want to take sewing machine lessons because I can't figure mine out to save my life and I just don't have the time to hand sew things anymore.
Want. That little nagging voice that pesters me to shop, to buy, to desire, to think I need. But I don't. Not really. But sometimes it is hard to ignore the culture of consumerism around you. Buy this. You want this. Look at this.
So, I repeat to myself: I am
wealthy compared to the millions of people living in the third world. I have a roof over my head. My child is dressed warmly and was able to eat every time he was hungry today. My husband has a job that brings in regular income. We all have health care.
We've been discussing whether to go ahead and continue trying for a second baby since I am now 36 and not getting any younger--in spite of finances--or to wait until we are in a
better economic situation--but maybe not as fertile. Both of us really want Gabriel to have a sibling. I was an only child until my twenties and I spent two decades longing for siblings, especially when I was little. We want our little family to grow, in people and in love. And we really want Gabriel to experience all the benefits of having a sibling close in age.
Another thing we are discussing is whether to move back to the next town over. It is also a college town, but way less affluent and without the great public schools. We lived here for many years and it has a lot of character, an active community, and is close enough to the more affluent town to enjoy its many amenities...plus they share a bus sytem. The rents are somewhat more affordable. In my head it makes sense.
So, things have been somewhat tough fiancially. Yet, there were blessings from Grandmas. Both of Gabriel's grandmothers bought him shoes and clothes for the cold months ahead. It was such a help to us! My mother took me to the store and bought me a couple of sweaters, some long sleeved tops, and a pair of cords....another great help. She also took me grocery shopping so I was able to stock up on some staples. And my stepfather helped us out with a major car repair. So, there were definite material blessings.
And we had some other
major blessings too: Gabriel had to get an echocardiogram to determine the cause of a heart murmur. The echo was clear and the murmur is innocent, thank God! It was scary waiting for the results, and he had to be sedated during the procedure, but the experience went and ended well.
Gabriel also had to get allergy testing this month. His skin tests came back questionable for peanut, tree nut, and shell fish allergies. But happily his blood tests were negative for these. I was really worried because I know what a struggle it can be for parents and children who have these allergies.
In addition to all the money worries...I was struggling to keep my head above water emotionally. Last week while Gabriel was napping I started thinking about all the little and big issues that come up in our marriage, in parenting, in housekeeping. I started crying and could not stop for an hour. My sister in law came over and we went out to coffee. As I tried to explain what was bothering me, it felt like I could not really articulate how I was feeling beyond a litany of complaints about laundry ending up on the floor and bills needing to be paid. And not being pregnant after two months of trying. In my head it seemed so overwhelming, so profound. But as I spoke out loud, it sounded so trivial. Especially when I am talking to someone who is dealing with some very difficult issues in her own life.
It made me think of the time when I went out to dinner with my cousin, just a month after the unexpected death of my father. She and her boyfriend had just broken up a few days before and as I listened to her talking about What Went Wrong in the relationship, I kept thinking: "Ummm...yeah...you'll probably get back together. And My Father Is Dead."
Sometimes I feel like an idiot.
October, it was a long month...pretty though with the leaves changing...but I am glad to be into November.
