February was a bad month. Stress, grief, anger, frustration, depression. Not really the kind of things that you want to carry around in your heart...but the truth is that life is not perfect, people are fragile and can get broken, and conflict and hurt feelings happen.
Sometimes I wish I could escape into one of the pictures on Soule Mama. Things look so peaceful over there in Maine. I wish I could take up knitting, baking, and chicken raising in one hand, while I unschool my children and decorate my old farmhouse with the other. Then blog about it to adoring thousands. While writing a book. With my loving adoring husband.
God. I envy that woman. Thinking of her reminds me of a book entitled, "I Don't Know How She Does It." Really. I have no clue. How does she do it? How do you guys do it?
I bought her books hoping for some insight and advice. After all, she has four kids. I only have one. And a much smaller home to manage. Pretty much what I got was this: Don't watch TV and get up earlier.
Giving up TV I can get behind. I watch it because it is there and find myself avoiding life because of it. Then I feel guilty and sick to my stomach so I watch more. It is on all the time. Even though I know better. Even though I know that Little Bear is no substitute for a childhood for my little one.
TV is how I cope with unrelenting loneliness. Not to mention the insomnia that has gripped my life. Which makes getting up earlier kind of a joke. And the day one long drowse fest.
My circadian clock is not keeping the correct time. I am awake during the night, and barely functioning during the daylight hours. If by chance I do sleep at night, it only lasts for one day. Going out during the day will exhaust me for the next couple of days. One day of happiness can be followed by several of depression.
I take care of my child. His needs are met. Some of his wants too. But I am not sleeping or eating well or coping well for myself. The only things I do are some thrift store shopping occasionally and a little reading. Other than that I am failing miserably at life. At marriage. At motherhood.
Mostly, I am moving from angry to sad and back again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I see all the wonderful things that blogger I follow are doing. I am jealous and sad. Wishing I had that ability to get unstuck. I wish I could just suck it up like E. on Apples with Honey.
But I am stuck. And I don't know how to move forward.
I don't know how to get better.
Sara,
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful mother. As soon as you stop comparing yourself to other mothers, things will look brighter. It is so easy to look at all these mom blogs and get lost in the beauty, simpleness, and joy. But the truth is they get to pick what they write about. They don't HAVE to write about how there are 7 loads of laundry, a baby needing a change, a toddler begging for attention, a fight with a husband, burnt dinner, NO dinner, etc etc. You get the idea. There is no such thing as a perfect life. I know you don't think they have a perfect life, but I just want you to see how trying to live up to the expectations set by the mommy blogs is only harming.
I remember one of the first times we met for a play date, you asked me how I did it all. I was flabergasted. Thinking "does this woman REALLY think I have it all together? Why? really?" I think I said something like thank you, but I dont have it all together. On the days where I put make up on, its probably because I didnt want to shower and I want to distract you from my 'i havent showered in 3 days smell'
I know I am kind of rambling, but I just want you to know that I think you are a wonderful mother. You are caring, patient and wise. Gabe will have nothing short of an amazing childhood. Enjoy that baby...they grow way too fast!
Best,
Melissa
Stop believing and comparing yourself to what you read in those perfect mother/wife/family books and blogs. Most of it is pure fiction. And, the ones that aren't are the author's wishful thinking or ninnies with nannies they forget to mention. Those lovely photographs are staged. I can show you how they do it. You are a lovely person and you are a good mother. I'm real proud of how you mother Gabriel.
ReplyDeleteOne thing you can do for insomnia is give up the diet Coke completely. As you get older caffeine can affect you adversely. Switch to caffine free diet sodas. Then talk to your doctor about your meds.
Hi Sara, Sometimes if you are feeling sad,disappointed, frustrated, or negative, you can not see anything good through a field of bad feelings,this field attracts more negativity, so the secret is to change the way you FEEL.
ReplyDeleteWhen you FEEL love for life,your energy field changes and attracts love. Positive affirmations help me. I say things like. "I feel amazing today", "I have so much energy", "I sleep like a baby every night." Own your own thoughts, give love to health,own health, and make it yours. Love and light Marie