It's a little past five in the morning and I am still up. My sleep schedule is so out of whack right now. It has been for weeks. And weeks.
It started with horrible panic attacks at night while I was lying in bed. Ever since childhood I've endured intermittent periods where my fear of death completely overtakes me. It isn't as if I fear my imminent death. It is more about fear of the unknown. What will happen when I die? My fear is that my soul is not existent and at death I will cease to be, simply a robot who was switched off. That my faith in God is a delusion. This triggers feelings of absolute terror and dread that are nearly impossible to cope with.
It only happens when I lie down in bed for the most part. So I get up and hang out on the couch watching stuff like Teen Mom and House Hunters International. But even though I am now distracted, I do not get tired.
I recently stopped a medication that helped a bit with sleep issues. It had way too many risks and side effects. Plus, we are TTC.
So..this week I started taking chamomile tea, Ionic Fizz (calcium and magnesium) DHA, in addition to pre-natals. I took some melatonin but it made me terribly nauseous though it did make me sleepy. The bottle also said it wasn't for TTC or pregnacy...which I don't get because it is a natural substance made by the body but oh well...
I am happy to report that I am feeling much calmer and content at night. But I am still not sleeping at night. I try..but mostly I just end up staying awake. If my husband has a late morning, I sometimes can sleep in the AM...but mostly I am struggling to make through the day with a toddler while being exhausted. I generally get a couple to three hours when we nap in the afternoon. So basically, my days and nights are mixed up.
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